The Beginning of the End

I am pregnant with my first child.

How’s that for a beginning?

As the baby grows (and with it my belly) and moves (it’s a squirmy little thing), I can’t help being consumed with the thought that I am going to be a mom. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but now that we’re down to about 14 weeks, I kind of want to put the brakes on this thing. After all, no one’s given me the Mommy Book yet. (You know, the one where moms get all their cool sayings like “Because I said so,” and “When you’re a mom,” and “Don’t roll your eyes at me…” and that gives you lots of great tips, like how to bathe a squirming, slippery infant without drowning it.)

But even with baby coming and thinking about all the new things that come with a baby, in the last couple weeks I’ve been more preoccupied with endings.

About two weeks ago I moved from Wichita to St. Louis, and in moving had to say goodbye to a lot of people I had come to call friends. I said goodbye to a church that had become a home.

And while moving is often a pretty good indication that something new is happening, this move was the first step in one long ending. I came back to St. Louis for my husband’s last year of seminary. It’s a very different move from the one we made three years ago when we came to St. Louis to begin seminary. Now we know the city we live in, we have friends here who have welcomed us back, we have a familiar routine that we’re returning to. (Granted, that routine is going to get a thorough upset in November when baby comes…) It was a very easy move to make, but throughout these last two weeks I keep thinking that this is the end. After this year are a whole lot of unknowns. We have one year left in this journey.

I’ve been swinging between joy over having only one year left and sadness over having only one year left. I feel this need to plan ahead and start thinking about what comes next, and this other need to slow down and savor what this year brings…to spend time with friends, to eat at favorite St. Louis restaurants and go to favorite St. Louis places, to take time to just enjoy the craziness of seminary life before I find out what normal life looks like.

So…this is the ending I’m starting from. It will be a year long ending, but it also means I’m making a big beginning, as well.

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from,” says T. S. Eliot (one of my favorite poets and one I tend to quote a lot).

This blog is part of a writing adventure. This week’s theme is beginnings. Check out the rest of the blogs at Via Scribendi.

One comment

  1. You have a lot of new and exciting things to look forward to and worry about! I just can’t wait to see where you will be living next when Matt is done with school. Maybe it will be some place exotice and WARM!!

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, even the old ones, yes I’m at work, don’t ask!, so now sadly I have to go back to work. I’m sad, I feel like I’ve been talking to you and now we must say good-bye…sniff, sniff…Love you!

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